I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He? As in you personified your dick?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
