Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
