Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
