You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
