i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
