I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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