My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
