i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
