i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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