Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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