I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
There was a lot of him and a little penis
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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