How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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