Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
