I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Why is there bacon in the couch?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
