I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
