oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
