life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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