There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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