I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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