I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
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