I haven't been this sober since birth.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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