She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
