I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
how drunk are you?
Several
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize