So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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