You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
