he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
