i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
