Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
