And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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