apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
