Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
