Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
