I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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