i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
