You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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