Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
