Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize