This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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