my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
