one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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