Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
