Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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