Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
