I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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