I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
