and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
