Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
