you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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