I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
