theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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