I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
