i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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