i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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