the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
