I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
