Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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