guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
