1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I would ride that face into the sunset
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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