this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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