If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
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