come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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