Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
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