I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You made out with two different species that night
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize