anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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