my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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