There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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